Notes Before The Road

I got in to L.A. late last night. Some sort of flight delay, but the plane was empty and I was more then fine having a row to myself and dozing off as I stared out the window in to a mass of lights and fog. It felt beautiful just to be GOING somewhere. All I could think of was how happy I was to be moving, doing, LIVING.

Skipper picked me up at the airport, we drove back to her place and straight for the haze. I had been up since five, and Skipper had put in a full day as well, so a little after one in the morning I passed out on her couch, thinking of a way to convince Skipper to go to Vegas. I woke up this morning, later then we planned, to a sky of gray and not so perfect weather.  Skipper made coffee, and now I type as she showers. I wish I was feeling more gunned, but this coffee is strong and I put spoonfuls of sugar in it, so I hope with time and the first spliff things will get rolling.

We have no real plans. We are picking up our rental car and driving to Palm Springs for the night. After that we got time, wheels and a very large expanse of desert and freeway. I don't care all too much where we head, just as long as we are going somewhere, driving away from the shit that has been logged in my heart and my head. I want liberation, rejuvenation and the feeling that I am not just stoned at home thinking the same old thoughts. I want a goddamn adventure, a sprinkle of danger, and an epic story. 

In to the desert abyss we go, let's see what it will hold. 

Straying From The Preset

I am pretty resolved in the way that I live my life. In today's world it seems like our lives are almost pre-planned. Each culture with it's own preset path, expectations, goals. Money, beauty, education, power, etc. Go to school, get good grades, go to college, get a job, make money, get married, have children, have grandchildren, become old, die. That's the path that I see in my own world. It's the norm, the life sequence that a girl like me is suppose to live by. At twenty-five it would be right to be in a substantial relationship, think about marriage, hope to get engaged, get married, have a couple of kids, be on my way to "starting a life." Or at least that is the vibe I am picking up.

I barely graduated from high school, if it weren't for the fact that I was good friends with most of the faculty and administration I might have not gotten by. I dropped out of college and moved to Europe. I am single and have no plans of getting married or having children before I am in my thirties, if then. Give me a path and I promise to not follow it. I find nothing interesting about normal, and rather have to deal with the odd bout of insecurity for not following the norm, then live any differently. The thought of being put in a generic box of society's expectations for a middle class white girl does nothing but make me want to rebel and stray. You get one life to live, I want to make mine my own.

Next weekend I am flying down to L.A. to meet up with Skipper and drive into the desert. We have a slight whisper of a plan, but are trying to keep it as spontaneous as possible. The question as to why we are doing this has come up a couple of times, as is the fact that I am not really in the financial position to be making a trip like this right before the holiday season. My answer to that is sadly very simple: why not? Because I am just suppose to grind out each week like the last? Because my reason for going isn't clear? Because we don't posses a solid destination? Those questions are reason enough for me. 

My life isn't for everyone, and I learned to stop expecting people to always understand my decisions a while ago. It's just that now that I have been back, I've been able to experience first hand how easy it is to be sucked into a funk that the daily grind provides with time. Over time, that funk can cause anyone to forget that there is a large world out there full of adventures and wonder. That you have control, that you can live differently, better, filled with more. Different, better, more, they aren't for everyone. I want greatness though, I want adventure, I want different, odd, growth, experience. It's what makes my heart beat, and it's what makes me feel golden. Most of the time.

Turning the voice up in my head and turning others down is something that I am getting better at with age. At the end of it all you are left with yourself. You enter this world alone and you exit it the same way. The people who love me and allow me to love them, put my life in context and give it worth and loads of goodness. But as is life: when the shit hits the fan, it's you that is going to have to clean it up. People can help, but it's up to you to make things clean and right. Opinions, judgements, advice: they all boundaries, breakable at a cost. I just find it too expensive not to.