In Search Of Lassitude

I drove to the ocean after work today. I tried to get there before the sun went down, knowing that even if I made it for sunset I would probably not be able to see it through the fog. Fifteen minutes from my house and I was already under a thick gray blanket. There is something so comforting about driving through fog and being so close to the ocean. The ocean is such a massive being and fog has a tendency to press down all around you and enclose you within its self. I never got out of my car, I just drove. There wasn't much to see and my real purpose was just to be alone with my thoughts and feel whatever I might have been suppressing this last month. I should probably explain what I mean by that, but I am pretty sure that if you are reading this you already know.

If I try, I can see a lot of things in a logical light. Sometimes it takes me time to put aside preconceived notions or fear, and even longer to push aside my feelings. When I can avoid it I try to never get my feelings involved. I don't often feel things on an even level, it's either euphoric bliss, or bleak despondency. Black or white, plaid or polka dots. I don't do gray, I am not patient, I am drastic: yes or no. If life (or worse, a man) put me in some sort of gray area, I have a hard time finding a logical level for my feelings. It's like constantly bumping into walls, trying to find a door out. 

I didn't drive to the beach in search of logic though. For nine hours a day I try not to allow my personal thoughts effect my feelings. I actually am thoroughly enjoying my work at the moment. It allows me to focus my thoughts somewhere else, and more importantly, forces me to interact with people in an almost completely superficial manner. I go to work, I bake, I smile, I laugh, I bake, I banter, I smile some more, I charm, I bake, I joke, I complain, I smile, I bake. No one knows me, no one needs to. I feel better when I smile, and in my free time I don't find myself doing it nearly as much as I do when I work. I produce things, things that make people happy, even if only for a few minutes. When I wake up in the morning I feel good about going to work, and when I leave I feel good about myself, which is extremely rare to say about one's job. When I get home however, all the superficial interaction is gone and I am allowed to feel what I have been thinking. Driving allows me to think one thought at a time (obviously not the road).  I drove and drove under that thick cover of obscurity, and once I made it out the other side I find myself not completely sorted, but a little more at peace.

So that's today. Who the fuck knows what tomorrow has got going for it.