White Girl

Today was the first day since I have moved back to California, that I wanted to be back in Switzerland. Everything I touched today at work either burned, clumped or spilled. I was a mess and time dragged like there was no tomorrow. As much as I have tried to put the right foot forward in every facet of moving back, small hindrances keep causing me to stumble and I am now growing tired of trying. Friends who were once so excited about me coming back have ceased to call or even call back, I find myself investing time and myself in a person whom I can't even figure out likes me or not, and have put in over-time in at a job that keeps setting me up to look like an ass. I put myself out there: I move back, I try to start a new, try to make changes, start fresh. Yet, I still go to bed feeling the same way I did in Luzern: tired, confused, and just wanting to leave, get in my car and head for the Grand Canyon. At the end of the day I just have a hard time seeing the point. I know where I am, I just am not sure of where I am heading.

I am itching to get in my car and drive to the coast right now. Sitting in my room, semi-stoned and feeling bad for myself, isn't the way I like to spend my Thursday nights. I would rather snuggle and be told something that would make me feel good, or drink. Life at the moment doesn't swing that way for me, and I promise to only feel sorry for myself until midnight, after that it's a new day, and a fresh start.

If only I could wake up and stop caring. If only.